Monday, August 22, 2005


For those few of you out there that might know me personally, read this and enjoy! Others that don't know me, be advised that I really enjoy playing with telemarketers. If a unique response doesn't present itself, I usually fall back on this generic technique, which I call 'Milk 'em till they quit'. Simply ask them to repeat some information that they have given you a few sentences previously. Example:

ME: Hello.
TM: Hello, my name is Mr. Telemarketer, with ABC Company.
ME: Uh huh.
TM: And the reason I'm calling you is you recently applied for a home refinance... ME: OK.
TM: ... loan, and we have completed our...
ME: What did you say your name was?
TM: Pardon Me? Oh, my name is I'm Mr. Telemarketer.
ME: OK, go on.
TM: Sure. You see, when you recently applied for a home...
ME: Which company do you work for?
TM: I work for ABC Company.
ME: OK, go on.
TM: uhhh... the loan that you applied for has been approved by our Finance Department at a very low rate...
TM: ...4.3%. But I do need to get some information...
ME: A loan?
TM: ... uhhh, yes, you applied...
ME: What kind of loan?
TM: ... a refinance loan, to enable you to get...
ME: OK, go on.

et cetera

Surely you get the idea, keep them backing up and off balance, and by all means keep them on the phone as long as possible. Somebody is paying for the calls, and it isn't you.

I gave that as background, so that you will understand how disappointed I was that I didn't think of this first:

The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with, "Is this William Wagenhoss?"

This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?" The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood." I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
Hmmm, my daughter emailed this to me, but I see it has already started making the rounds. Andy's Blog, J Moran Coyle's AOL Journal, Ankle Biting Pundits, you will shoot your eye out, and I'm sure many others. Still, it's good, and I'm not gonna waste my typing!

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